New Hobbies

So, my dad died over a year ago and one of the items I inherited was a 1983 Fender Stratocaster. I had initially planned to have it encased in a box with some of his other items and make a glass coffee table or something, but I had a tugging feeling not to. A guitar, especially a 1983 Fender Strat, isn't meant to be stared at behind a pane of tempered glass.

Over the Independence weekend of 2009, we had a family reunion from his side. One particular detail about the reunion that had a major impact on the decision I'm about to let you in on was the full-blown family band that played every night. This wasn't singing songs around the campfire. There were microphones, guitars everywhere, stacks of speakers and amps, keyboards, as well as a box full of other miscellaneous instruments, like tambourines, maracas, and a bunch of stuff I've seen but never heard the name of. Everyone was musically gifted it seemed. One person was missing though, obviously, both literally and metaphorically.

That was the weekend I decided to take up guitar. To honor my Dad, and hopefully, I can be come as gifted a guitar player as he was.

So, I've also recently purchased a not-so-used Ibanez acoustic guitar. Now I have two guitars and no skill. I can at least say I know the main chords. I'm still waiting for that epiphany where suddenly, it all comes together.

It's How The Big Boys Gamble

I'm going to try and buy Washington Mutual (WAMUQ) Stock for $0.06 per share. I'm going to try and buy 248 shares. Cost: $14.88 + fees. So, for just over $20.00 I'm going to own 248 shares of this stock.

Currently, Washington Mutual is in bankruptcy. There are "$32.9 billion in assets and $8 billion in debt" to be bought up, hopefully by the U.S. Government. If so, it could jump the price of the stock to and estimated $14.00 per share.

I spent just over $20. If I were in Las Vegas, this could be a single High Roller slot machine or a pretty large bet on Blackjack for a single game. But, my stock market odds are better. If the stock sells for even $10 per share, I'll have $2480 dollars for my $20 investment. Awesome! If it sells for $14, then $3472.00. But the gamble is dependent on the Feds. This is Big Boy gambling. If it looses, I'm out a mere, $20.

I've also bought a little in Deutsche Telekom (DT) which is the same company as T-Mobile. I bought some of their stock because in November, they'll be launching the new phone with the Google (GOOG) Android OS to compete with the iPhone. I was going to invest in Google itself, but didn't have enough. So, I bought DT at about $14.00 per share, it's now at $12.00 but I'm hopeful.

Finally, I bought a few shares of AT&T (T), because I believe in AT&T. I've been with them since before Cingular. I've got a loyalty to them. Plus, I have an iPhone.

Falling to Pieces

Spring 2008 sucks ass.  I feel like my whole family is falling a part.  A quick recap as to what's happened.

In winter my Father was told he had high blood pressure.  About a month and a half ago, he had a heart attack, a mild one.  However, a heart attack is a heart attack is a heart attack, whether mild, severe or fatal.  Three weeks later, he went in for a triple bypass and ended up with a quadruple bypass.  I went to see him the following weekend and when we arrived, he had left 15 minutes prior.

Around the same time, my mother was diagnosed with high blood pressure.  She was put on medication.  Her body had a reaction to the medication and developed an autoimmune disease.  It's attacking her muscles, ligaments and skin tissue.  She can barely move because of the pain and is currently living in a basement so she doesn't have to walk up or down any stairs.  I went over there last week and had to move some furniture around because she's getting stir crazy.

My brother recently broke up with his girlfriend of five years.  He's depressed and upset.  He says he wants her out (because she left him) and he's packing her things, but his actions say otherwise.  She's creating a lot of drama.  I just learned that he's going to quit drinking, which is good.  The revelation came to him after he was released from a hospital.  Why was he in the hospital?  Because he drank two bottles of whisky and a bunch of sleeping pills.

My other brother across the desert is going to snap one day.  He's a cop, and carries a gun.  He lives in a nothing town in the middle of nothing.  He desperately needs to leave that place, but can't because his son is there.  He refuses to leave his son, which is good.  But that place will kill him if he doesn't leave.

My sister is estranged.  She never calls, she doesn't participate much in family events and I have no clue what is happening to her.  She just had her 23rd birthday, yesterday.

I feel I'm the only solid thing here.  I just want to say to all of them, "I'm here for you.  All you need to do is call.  I will make time for you.  I can offer some objectivity to your life, a different angle.  Just give me a call before you do what I think you're going to do."

Maybe I've estranged myself.  Maybe I'm the one who needs to take the initiative and do something, be there.  Yes.  I think I do.

Update: My mother started a blog. A sort of way to deal with her stir craziness.

Who Starts These Things?

You've heard them dozens of times: around the water cooler, at home, work, on the street, in casual conversation ... they're everywhere.  Jokes.

I was watching an episode of Friends, the characters Chandlier and Ross were arguing about a certain joke, each were claiming fame to it's creation.  Ross submitted it to a mens magazine and earned himself $100, but Chandlier thinks it was stolen from him.  Anyway, this post is not about Friends.

After this little episode, my mind began to meander.  I've heard them dozens of times, "A guy walks into a bar ...', 'A woman goes to the doctor ... ", " a trombone, a squid and an abacus were sitting on the beach ...' and I began to wonder, where do these jokes come from?  I've heard so many they all seem to meld into an oozing, messy cloud of dirty things.

It's no secret they come from somewhere; someone has to start them. They don't just pop into existence.  Our weeknights are filled with comedy-esque television shows.  Situation Comedies (sitcoms) that place relatively normal people in akward situations where something unthinkable will happen.  It makes us laugh.  People like to laugh, it lets down our emotional guard and relaxes us, as a species.  I wonder if other animals know how to laugh.  I could easily imagine monkeys screaming at their tire swing in a zoo. With their human-like features/expressions, they would seem to laugh but, do they really feel the joy of a good, deep-down, belly-aching laugh?

I digress to wonder if I could come up with a joke.  I wanted to know if I could create an original "funny thing."  Rather than plagerize the efforts of other joke-makers, I want to create one of my own.  Afterall, someone has to come up with this stuff.  Could it be a full time job, I wonder?  Is there a hopeless writer wandering around the streets looking at stuff and writing these jokes?  I would hope not.  We shouldn't have to pay someone to come up with a joke and make us laugh, but we do anyway, and in large doses.  We pay for our cable bill so the cable company will air funny shows and someone writes the jokes in those funny shows and they need to eat, sleep in a comfortable bed and pay the maid to keep the secret about their mistresses (hmmm, not funny.  What is a male mistress?  A mist-er?)

At first I didn't think my little challenge would be very hard.  Friends and colleagues comment on my clever wit.  But can I invent a simple joke?

After a few hours of deep thought and wording, this is what I came up with:

"A woman asks her doctor, ..."

That's it.  I got nuthin'.  Hours of trying to come up with a joke and I've got nothing.  I've found without a doubt that I'm not funny.  Maybe a few hours was too little time.  Maybe telling myself a joke is futile because there's no suspense or suprise to the akwardness of the punchline because, I know the punchline.  Maybe I couldn't think of a joke because different things are funny to different people.  Who knows?  It seems to be an ongoing investigation.

I called my brother and gave him this mission and he responded enthusiastically.  He imagined a play on words would be the way to go and I've yet to hear his joke.  But since then, he's encouragingly sent me quite a few zingers.  here's one he heard just today.

"A 12 year old boy asks his dad what a vagina looks like. The dad [replies] 'Before sex or after?'

'I guess before.' says the kid.

'Well," says the dad, "it looks like a flower ready to blossom.'

'What about after sex?' asks the kid

The dad says 'Have you ever seen a pit bull eating mayonaise?'"

This was funny.  Who thought of it?  Who knows, but I'm not giving up.  I plan to continue this little experiment and I invite all the readers to try this, too.

Try to come up with a joke, one that you've never heard before.  Don't cheat because that doesn't help anybody.  Lets see how funny you can be.