Still Employed, School is Long, Summer Come Soon

I'm still employed. Everyday, fellow employees joke about how long I have until I'm fired/laid off. I swear, theres a fucking office pool going around.

Currently, I'm in the middle of a project that no other employee in my department is capable of handling. The remaining hardware can't be ordered until May, so the installation can't happen until then. Which means, I won't be let go until it's complete. A wise worker once said, "make yourself indispensible." So, I'm employeed until at least the end of May. After that, who knows.

The end of Spring semester is approaching. Right now, I have too much homework I should be working on, instead, I opt to write here. My communication class is going great! I'm at a steady 102%. No kidding. Top of my class. We just have one more group project then the final test(s). Two more weeks, then that class is finished. I really liked it. I really liked Psychology, too. Scored an "A" there.

My Calculus class is kicking my ass. I estimate a low "C" right now. The math is getting so complicated, I'm 80% sure I'm going to change majors. I mentioned this to my professor and, of course, she had intent to change my mind. The words of encouragement failed to take hold, especially considering that I'm 7 chapters behind and I'm more inspired to write on my site than pull out my book.

I can't wait for summer. I don't intend to take any summer classes. Spring semester is always bad for me because I'm hyper and can't stay focues on school that long.

My A.D.D. is kicking in again and need to change out of my work clothes for school.

Oh yeah, and I think I want a motorcycle.

Harder than I thought

It's been a crazy, crazy few months, so busy. My wife and I went to Wendover and ended up winning a bunch of money, over $3,000. We were so excited. We finally had the downpayment to buy a house. Our San Diego vacation was a nice break from life, though. We got tattoos. Thank you Carlos at Ink Spot on Mission Beach, 728 Ventura Place.

But, when my Dad died, we found out he didn't have insurance to handle the funeral costs and we had to use our winnings to pay for it. It's bittersweet. Now, we have to go back to slowly saving.

Now, I'm struggling to deal with all his stuff. Everybody wants the same things and arguments are breaking out. It turns out, much of his stuff isn't his and people want it all back. This is stuff that the kids grew up with, as being part of the family's, intertwined with our childhood memories are now gone. We were prepared to devide it all up, as fairly as possible. But, now we can't and we're left with scraps of memories to hold on to. It's gotten so bad, I give up. Let them have it. I don't want my memories tainted by fights over them.

Then, finding lawyers to handle the "probate." It seems that these lawyers always want to make an appointment. They don't seem to want to answer any questions over the phone. I don't have that kind of time. They should find time for me, I'm the customer, right? I can't meet with them before 5 pm and they're not available on the weekends.

How much does probate cost? The deceased and his accounts are out-of-state, is that a problem? Do I need an out-of-state attorney? What kind of paper work do I need to collect to make sure his paperwork is in order (i.e. birth certificates, bank statements, death records, etc.) Is it just paperwork?

Frustrating.

The Crest

It looks as though the worst has past. They always say it's darker before the dawn.

My mother is doing better. She can raise her arms above her head. She's still not 100%, but she's getting there.

My brother is finally out of his old place, away from his exgirlfriend. I never really understood what he saw in her. But, he's a bit happier. He's now living with my mother until he can get back on his feet. In the past, my brother and I lived as bachelors for a few years. Our mom would check in ever so often. This bugged him a bit because he felt it incringed on his independence. He would bitch about her every time. Sometimes saying he hated her. We knew he didn't mean it, but he'd say it. Because of this, I think him moving with her is a disaster waiting to happen, but they're getting along for now. He called me the other night and said, "I shouldn't be here." I didn't know exactly what to say. His pride is hurt.

He's always been the big brother. The one to look up to, the one that is supposed to lead by example. I'm sure it hurts him a bit to be exposed and shown that he, too, can stumble or even fall. I'll bet it's a truth he wished he didn't have to learn.

I'm trying to help, anyway I can. I want to take him out to places, to be around people that aren't his mom, fun people (no offense mom.) Three weeks ago, we went to a bar and had a great time. I bought everything and I didn't mind one bit. I wish he didn't insist on paying me back, though, it was my treat. Plus, I know he can't/won't so I wish he'd stop offering. I had a lot of fun with him. It was worth every penny and I want to do it again. Mostly, he says, "I have no money." I can understand that, of course, but it's a downer when he won't come because refuses to let me pay. I just want him out of that house for a bit, clear his head, straighten his thoughts so he can focus on his goals better. But, I also don't want to damage his pride further. I'm sure it frustrates him. I love my family and I justwant to help them out, however I can. We all try to do what we're able. If he won't let me pay his bills, then let me ease his mind for a night.

My sister is still estranged and my brother is still in Nevada. I don't expect them to change anytime soon. Which can be a comfort sometimes, because you can count on them being where they are. No emergencies means a good day.

I didn't call my Father on Father's Day. I feel guilty for it. I have his cell, but he dosn't answer. My sister says his work took it away. I guess it was a company phone. I have his home number, but I'm uncomfortable with calling it. One of the advantages of cell phones is: the only person that usually answers, is the person your trying to reach.

Sundance 008'

It's back. Every year, for two weeks, actors, musicians, directors and other A-list celebrities grace us with their divine presence. For two weeks Hollywood moves to Park City, Utah, and for two weeks, parking is Hell on Earth.

It seems every other year, my friends and I pack a clown car and trudge it up the mountain to Park City. I don't suspect we'll be there this year but, then again who knows. We don't necessarily go there to catch the latest independent films before they make it big. Rather,we go on a celebrity watch. I guess, a hunt would fit the scenario but a "hunt" isn't really what we do. We go there with an intent to visit a posh club and hope to "bump" into someone we saw in a famous movie or on television, to see them out of their Hollywood element. We try to catch a glimpse of a celebrity walking the hilly streets, hoping to come in contact with someone "by chance."

I dream of "bumping" into Christina Aguilera or Christina Ricci or Christina Applegate (I think I like Christinas.) Then I'd apologize, realize who they are, but not get "starstruck". I'd then make small talk about the weather or a nice place to eat and she'd admire the respect and privacy I'd give her.

To thank me for not "freaking out." She'd invite me back to her condo for a small get together and a few drinks where, I would mingle with money and eat sushi off a naked Asian and dance with models of the "super" kind, each one noticing how my presence seems to belong there. And perhaps, just perhaps, catch the eye of a producer who thinks I have "the look" and casts me in a movie to become a star because ... I have "natural talent." That's how I see it going down anyway. Dreams of Grandeur. (Oh, no worries. I'll come back the next year and purposefully bump into an unsuspecting fan and invite them to a small get together ...)

Despite my delusions, this year Gary Gillmore (I guess he's a CEO or something) introduced the movies as "'new,' 'refreshing' and 'exciting,'" said the Deseret News website. He probably said this because the festival has a strong history of being rather dark. With depression and drama dwarfing the funnier and happier competitors.

But that doesn't mean much. The people from California will still be dressed in all black with turtlenecks, wearing black berets smoking their Clove cigarettes. When they speak it will be about how "artsy" and "real" a film was or how "horrifically disturbing and beautiful" that movies was, even though it doesn't make any sense to someone who has to stand in a freezing line and pay more money than it would usually cost in a regular theater to see it, but we listen and do it anyway.

It's like a second Christmas for Park City. Not the happy, merry and delightful Christmas that most people celebrate but the business side of Christmas that owners salivate about. Some restaurants are "flying in" special furniture, crystal glasses and real silver place settings to entice the millionaires to dine there. Some clubs will charge $100 or more just to pass through the door (they call it a door or cover charge, it's still Utah), then charge triple for the exact same watered down drink you buy any other time of year. It's a racket, and it's Utah. You don't get more than 1 oz. of liquor per drink unless it's a private party.

But despite it's awkward appeal, Sundance is still pretty cool. I mean it's Utah for fuck sake. This is the only time of year we can see a real life, flesh and bone celebrity. And who would pass up the chance to meet them, especially if her name is Christina.

I thought we had a deal

Have you heard the nonsense surfacing about Mitt Romney and Barack Obama?  Apparently, they have faith.  But it seems, to be the President of the United States, they chose the wrong one.

Mitt Romney is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, LDS (a.k.a. Mormon) and The People are in a flurry.  Personally, I can't believe it's even an issue.  Why does he feel the need to defend it, like it's a bad thing?  Especially when we live in a nation that offers a little thing called the Bill of Rights, you know, the deal between the Government and it's People to protect it's People from their Government.  Ever heard of it?  It was kind of a big deal at the time.  Without it, we'd have no central Government today.  Well, it's very first order of business was to give every citizen the liberty of worshipping however they wanted.  So, considering that our government came into being because of this little agreement and people's right to VOTE for their leaders came as an afterthought, why should any religion be brought into question?

I heard on the morning show I listen to, an uninformed woman called in to report a rumor that Obama is a Muslim and his middle name is Hussein.  She saw it in a forwarded email.  (He did, in fact, go to a Muslim school but he also went to a Christian school, *gasp* Is he a Christian, too?!)  She said it as if she were "letting the cat out of the bag" so to speak, like it was taboo.  As for his middle name: in the Middle East, "Hussein" is as common a name as "John" or "Ryan" in the U.S.  Even if it were true, how can it possibly be a problem?  How is it wrong?  In fact, way back in the day (like B.C.), any kind of monotheism, *cough* Christianity *cough*, was considered a cult.

The United States' Bill of Rights, specifically it's freedom of religion has only been around for about 225 years so, maybe the U.S. is a little tired of it.  Maybe it's a bit outdated and perhaps it should be taken away and put to rest.  Maybe then, we can devolve to witch burning and a fifth Crusades or another Holocaust.

I'm reminded of a song by some artist (I'm sure you know who) that sings, "You don't know what you've got, til' it's gone."  If we take our liberties away, maybe then we can truly appreciate what they were.

The Most Despised Question

"How's it goin'?"

I really don't like that question. What am I supposed to say? "Forward?" What is this "it" you speak of? Or when they ask, "What's up?" or even worse, "t'sup?" What the hell is "t'sup?" It's been my experience that these questions, are part of a large stock of fodder questions. It's a question that doesn't actually do or mean much of anything. It's a question people seem to keep in reserve. It's subdued but on the forfront, like a cocked rifle. If they're ever confronted by someone they recognize but don 't care much about, they blast one of these questions. "Hey, how 's it goin'?" Is that a conversation starter? It gets really bad when they shorten it even more to just "hey." What the HELL!? That's a waste of my air. Not only that, but your careless, emotionless, languid words have caused unrepairable damage to my ear drums (be it on the microscopic scale but, damage, none the less.) Well, Mr. I'm-asking-a-question-to-acknowledge-that-you-exist-but-don't-really-care, I'm on to you, pal! And I 've got something for ya.

Yes, I have something for ya, and it's worse. I have the answer! But before I get into "the answer" I want to take a moment to give another side to that ephemeral conversation. I believe people keep a healthy reserve of meaningless one-word answers at the forfront of their concience to combat this battle. Whenever they're forced to interact, they do so on a minimum operational power. They spill from their mouths these muck of answers to avoid all confrontation, like a monkey in a cage that just wants a cookie and all he has to do is smile and push the green button, but just stares at the cookie, pushing the red button. Try flinging some poo, monkey. At least someone will scream.

"How is your day?"
"Good."

"How are you feeling?"
"Fine."

"What was the average rainfall for the entire Amazon Basin in 1998?"
"Good." And they walk away, stiff armed and head down.

I'm a social person. I like interacting with people, but they keep throwing up these shields. Just once, I 'd like to hear, "Ya know ... my day is crapshit, I have a hangnail, I spilled coffee on my favorite shirt and I now have a headache, so fuck off right now!" This woudl be a good appeasement signal for "go away." Or perhaps something a little more positive, "OMG! I've been waiting for someone to ask me that question since I woke up. Thank you. Things could never be better, now." Or simply, "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."

Where's the love? Humans are social creatures, so why do we spend so much time being anti-social? Try asking a humanitarian how he is, see what response you get. (Lets save the fact that we treat total strangers better than our own family members for a later argument, even though everyone has heard it before.)

Back to "the answer", yes.. I have one. Whenever anyone asks "how are you?" I begin by saying, "I really don't like that question." Most of the time, they'll reply, "why?" Now THAT'S a conversation starter. If they don't, then they never really cared in the first place.